Defining Life
How definitions help you grasp reality
I wish more people would say what they want, but most people often don’t know themselves.
In today’s society it is all the more prevalent, that each one of us lives in their own reality. The social groups, we choose to spend our time with and even the algorithms of our phones are subconsciously tailored to our own set of beliefs and opinions.
However, even with people in our own bubble and even more so with people outside of it, I sometimes struggle with defining basic concepts of our shared reality.
Whoever has played the board game ‘Codenames’, knows how every person has a sense for different basic word associations.
Success
It took me a while to realize that to be ‘successful’ means totally different things to everyone I talk to.
A lot of times it is associated with money and a great job title, for me it has more to do with learning and growing as a person — which does not mean that I do not care about money at all.
Some people care most about being engaged in great teamwork or being challenged to get a sense of accomplishment. Others enjoy the feeling of being needed or helping their community.
Another idea of success is the ability to ‘buy back your own time’, meaning that you only work the time to sustain your lifestyle and then use the remaining time to work on your own passion projects.
Everyone I have asked so far, prioritizes these components a little differently. What is success to you and how can you achieve it?
Love
This is not only true for career terms — although, how do you even define ‘career ‘— but very often boils down to fundamental communications and relationships.
Here is where it gets philosophical.
A big question would be to define ‘love’ or ‘being loved’. How can you expect your partner to know this, if you can’t even explain clearly what you want and need in a romantic relationship?
I found it crucial to understand what ‘love’ even means to myself and how I personally experience love — the five love languages book was a great help there.
To start creating your own definitions you can start by reflecting. You can practice with the term ‘relationship’.
I am not talking about dictionary definitions here
What is a ‘relationship’ to you? Does this mean you introduce each other as partners to your friends and family? Do you agree to only date each other?
Asking yourself reflective questions is not easy, but is a great investment in your personal development. It will help, to understand your own values and worldviews — it also helps to write this all down.
Once you have reflected, it can also change the conversations you are having. It certainly changed the way I start discussions.
Communication
Instead of heading head over heels into a sensitive argument, you can start by stating your own definition concerning the subject.
Merely stating a definition, usually starts a discussion about different senses of reality. There are a lot more undefined terms out there than you think — community, good, friendship, helpful, intimacy — to name a few.
Reflecting on your own definitions, helps not only to gain insight into your own brain, but also to actually voice your values and how you prioritize them.
However, do not stop there, actually do something with that newly found focus you have established and stand up for your values now that they are clear to you. So what can you do?
Your reality
The main thing you can do after defining those terms for yourself — and they may be subjective to change — you can voice them!
The more you communicate your definition of reality to the person you are talking to, the clearer your point comes across. You will sound like a person, who know what they want!
Each one of us has different thought processes so it really helps when your conversation partner takes you through it step by step. What is obvious to you is not automatically clear to someone else — I know it’s shocking!
Babysteps
You can even break it down to much smaller chunks like — do you define a successful work day by the emails answered, projects submitted or productive meetings held? What would your ideal workday even look like?
Defining a good relationship or friendship is equally hard, but chances are you are subconsciously doing this already, so tell people why you are valuing them as partners and friends — I am sure they need to hear that during this pandemic anyways.
Like everything in life — these definitions are not set in stone either. Your own reality is constantly changing, you will refocus your life multiple times.
Just keep in mind, what kind of reality you are living in and also, that nobody is a mind reader — better spell out your definitions to the rest of us.
